Lesbianca Theatre Presents...Ways to torture your life partner aka When good jokes go bad

For your entertainment, Lesbianca theatre presents to you.."How to torture your life partner"

*opens book and clears throat"

L. and I have been together for over 4 years. There is an 11 year age difference between us. This is something that has been an on-going joke since we got together. L. would ask me "where have you been all my life" to which I would reply "playing Barbies". The joke has taken many forms. Such as her talking about something that happened in the early 80s and asking me if I remember...for me to add it up in my head and say "no, I was 5 at that time". She would groan and laugh. Make some comment about robbing the cradle and we would go on with life. Now, I have made adjustments. I listen to the 80s with her and even know some of the words now. Even if the songs bring back memories of me playing in the backyard..I go with it. This is just part of who we are. We really do not notice the age difference that much. Now, we have had times when it has snuck up on us, but all in all, it is not something that is on our minds daily, that is, till she has a birthday.

Now, I am not saying that she does not take birthdays well...*cough* *laugh* ok, so I can't even type it without laughing. She does not take aging well. AT ALL. So, I know to just stay out of her way around that time, try to be as understanding as possible, or get her drunk, whichever one works better.

So, the other day we were talking and she brought up her sister's upcoming birthday, made her add up all of her siblings ages and caused her to reflect on her birthday, which is months away. So this was, what I thought, a good time to bring up a conversation we had a long time ago. I said, well you do realize that the year you turn 40, I will be 29. We all know hidesight is 20/20 and looking back, this was not a good comment to make. She did proceed to freak out. Apparently, this was not a fact she wanted to face anytime soon. I was thinking I was doing her a favor. You know, making her aware before it snuck up on us. Also, I thought it was funny. She begins to start talking about robbing the cradle again and I decided to go for broke, to get it all out. I said well that also means when you are 50, I will be 39 and when you are 60...you see where I am going. Let me let you in on a little secret. If you are looking to make someone go into total meltdown mode and decide they are going to get on the internet and find you a new girlfriend, that is the way to do it. She told me that we are now broken up because I will end up leaving her in a few years anyway. That she will pick my new, younger girlfriend for me. She talked about how it is better this way instead of waiting till she is 70, and I am still young and I end up finding someone else anyway. She said; "I can see it now, you will put me in front of the computer and tell me you are going to work. Then, you will get in the car with the woman you are seeing and tell her it is ok, that L. is looking at a screensaver and thinking she is playing a computer game. It will keep her busy for hours. Or you will leave me in front of the tv and I will think you just work a lot."

I still giggle about it to this day. No, I am not single, but every once in awhile, she talks about shopping for me a younger girlfriend.

*closes book*

And that, my friends, is how to torture your life partner.